Want to Be a Truly Exceptional Parent of a loved one experiencing addiction?
Neuroscience Suggests You Get To Do These 5 Things Right Now
People’s brains react to extreme stress in fairly predictable ways. Here’s how to make that work positively as a parent experiencing addiction in the family.
In America, about 23 million people are experiencing addiction to alcohol and other drugs. That’s approximately one in every 10 Americans over the age of 12 — roughly equal to the entire population of Texas. But only 11 percent of those with an addiction receive treatment.
Not to mention that one-third of Americans have exhibited signs of anxiety or depression in the wake of Covid-19, according to the Census Bureau. Approximately 7.9 million people in the United States experience addiction and a mental health disorder simultaneously.
If your child is struggling, just know that they’re looking to you, as an influencer in the family, for guidance. But the context has never been more confusing, and the stakes have never been higher, so here’s evidence-based research and proven scientific principles to help anyone affected by the addictive behavior of someone close to them, cultivate the habits and mindset needed for lasting positive change.
The number one thing parents get to understand is that people experiencing addiction react neurologically to high levels of threat perception, which leads them to process everything else differently than they normally would.
So, there are five things he says to do as a parent to turn these kinds of fears into a real, positive advantage.
1. Offer positive feedback and encouragement
Frame your messages in a positive light whenever possible. At the least, try to avoid negativity and discouragement. Positive reinforcement is, I like it when as opposed to I hate it when. For example, you say “I love it when you’re sober” instead of “I hate it when you’re drunk”.
2. Strive to create certainty
The more variables you can remove from a ‘person’s life right now, the better. So share information and try to create certainty for them. Giving your loved one information activates the reward networks in the brain because the brain craves information. Lack of clarity creates a threat response. In some studies, ambiguity creates a stronger threat response in the brain than an actual threat. Ambiguity and uncertainty are debilitating.
3. Offer unexpected autonomy and flexibility
The brain craves a sense of control, and when we feel like we have no control or no choices, even small stress becomes overwhelming.
Be creative. Clearly trying to come up with healthy solutions for your loved one, and offering them choices they had never imagined you would give, can have as much positive effect as the flexibility itself. We get to stop insisting that WE know what’s best, and we always respect someone’s right to self-determine.
Addiction is about control so the perception of having an unexpected amount of control in their relationship with you is really powerful. If you’re asking your loved one every day how they’re doing and when are they going to stop using drugs and then changed it to, Hey, we trust you’ll figure this out; check in with us if you need help, because we’re not ever going anywhere, they’ll be like, ‘Wow, that’s great.’ Unexpected rewards are the strongest much like the opposite of an unexpected threat. We have probably already experienced how ineffective threats are.
4. Model empathy
Next up: empathy. Human brains naturally sort everybody they interact with into one of two categories, according to neuroscience. Everyone else is considered either:
- “Ingroup,” which encompasses people whom you believe are similar to you, have similar goals, and should be trusted; and
- “Outgroup,” which suggests a concern that people will be exploitative: they’re dissimilar and have competing goals, and should not be trusted.
You want your children/loved ones to perceive you, your leadership as “ingroup.” The trick is that we get to strive for empathetic relationships.
For many people, the experience of addiction is the toughest time of their life. Brains are on fire and so we get to have deep empathy.
5. Emphasize shared goals, fairness, and cooperation
Addiction and Emotional fallout affect people in different ways. So, after empathy, the next goal is to establish cooperation and fairness within the family as far as participating in recovery-based education, transformation, and ongoing support.
Perhaps you have some family members who are totally committed. But you’ll most likely have others in the exact opposite situation: completely done and emotionally exhausted.
Let’s be respectful of where people are in the process.
What I’ve seen happen so many times is that by example we inspire people to join us. The all-in family members help out the less enthusiastic. Feeling like you’re being helpful to other people especially in a crisis is rewarding. It turns down your stress level. So, it’s a win-win.
Now is the time to go all-in
Of course, it’s difficult to give blanket parenting advice to those dealing with the experience of addiction. Families differ, and their leadership styles differ. You know your loved ones and your family better than anyone.
But behavioral science is constant which provides an incredible opportunity in the face of something like the experience of addiction.
I always tell people that the only perfect parents are the ones who don’t have kids yet. I think the ones that will make the biggest difference are the ones who show up, get skills based on what we already know about human behavior because addiction is a deeply human crisis.
In 2022 I am offering FREE INTERVENTIONS in California when a family invests in family addiction recovery coaching. Contact me at 323–804–5555, tim@sustainablerecovery.net www.familyaddictionrecovery.net
This article is inspired by: https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/want-to-be-a-truly-exceptional-leader-neuroscience-says-do-these-5-simple-things-right-now.html
