Parenting a loved one experiencing addiction?

Neuroscience Suggests You Get To Do These 5 Things Right Now

In America, about 23 million people are addicted to alcohol and other drugs. That’s approximately one in every 10 Americans over the age of 12 — roughly equal to Texas’s entire population. But only 11 percent of those with an addiction receive treatment.

Not to mention one-third of Americans have exhibited signs of anxiety or depression in the wake of Covid-19, according to the Census Bureau. Approximately 7.9 million people in the United States experienced addiction and a mental health disorder simultaneously.

People’s brains react to extreme stress in reasonably predictable ways and experiencing addiction is no doubt stressful for everyone involved. Good news is that there’s a way to make that work positively for a parent experiencing addiction and/or mental injury in the family.

Firstly, know that the person you love is looking to you as a family leader for guidance. No matter what it feels like your influence is strong.

The stakes are high, so we are going to take some of the the guess work out of the process and use evidence-based research and proven scientific principles to help us get out in front of addiction rather than always managing crisis.

Next, what’s really important to understand is that people experiencing addiction and/or mental health related challenges react neurologically to high levels of threat perception, which leads them to process everything else differently than they normally would. Words matter.

So, there are five things to do to turn challenging emotions into a real, decisive advantage.

1. Offer positive feedback and encouragement

Frame your messages in a positive light. At the least, try to avoid negativity and discouragement. For example, positive reinforcement is, ‘I like it when you come home sober’, as opposed to, ‘I hate it when you come home drunk.’

2. Strive to create certainty

The more variables you can remove from a ‘person’s life right now, the better. So share information and try to create certainty for them. Giving your loved one information activates the reward networks in the brain because the brain craves knowledge. Lack of clarity creates a threat response. In some studies, ambiguity creates a more robust threat response in the brain than an actual threat. Ambiguity and uncertainty are debilitating. Clarity is king!

3. Offer unexpected autonomy and flexibility

The brain craves a sense of control, and when we feel like we have no control or no choices, even small stress becomes overwhelming. This creates fear and shame and therefore more painkillers and pain distractors.

Be creative. Trying to come up with empowering solutions for your loved one, and offering them choices they had never imagined you would give, can have as much positive effect as the flexibility itself. Perhaps you give up the notion of total abstinence and encourage harm reduction. We get to stop insisting that WE know what’s best, and we always respect someone’s right to self-determine.

Addiction is about control, so the perception of having an unexpected amount of control in their relationship with you is compelling. If you’re asking your loved one every day how they’re doing, why they are using drugs and when are they going to stop and instead changed it to, ‘Hey, we trust you’ll figure this out; check in with us if you need help, because we’re not going anywhere’, they’ll be like, ‘Wow, that’s great.’ Unexpected rewards are the strongest much like the opposite of an unforeseen threat.

4. Model empathy

Human brains naturally sort everybody they interact with into one of two categories, according to neuroscience. Everyone else is considered either:

• “Ingroup,” which encompasses people who you believe are similiar to you, have similar goals, and should be trusted; and
• “Outgroup,” which suggests a concern that people will be exploitative: they’re dissimilar and have competing goals, and should not be trusted.

You want your loved ones to perceive you, your parenting as “ingroup.” The trick is that we get to strive for empathetic relationships.

For many people, the experience of addiction is the toughest time of their life. Brains are on fire, and so we get to have deep empathy.

5. Emphasize shared goals, fairness, and cooperation

Addiction and the emotional fallout affect people in different ways. After empathy, the next goal is to establish collaboration and integrity within the family as far as participating in recovery based education, transformation, and ongoing support.

Perhaps you have some family members who are totally committed. But you’ll most likely have others in the exact opposite situation: completely done and emotionally exhausted.

Let’s be respectful of where people are in the process.

What I’ve seen happen so many times is that by example, we inspire people to join us. The all-in family members help out the less enthusiastic. Feeling like you’re being helpful to other people, especially in a crisis, is rewarding. It turns down your stress level. So, it’s a win-win.

Now is the Time to Go All-in

Never expect your loved one to give more effort in the healing process than you are willing to give. Effective parenting is about healthy modeling, not just words. I never doubt that a parent loves their child but this is about HOW we love them that makes all the difference.

Of course, it’s difficult to give blanket parenting advice for those dealing with addiction. Families differ, and their leadership styles vary. You know your loved ones and your family better than anyone.

But brain science is constant, which provides an incredible opportunity in the face of something like an addiction.

I always tell people that the only perfect parents are the ones who don’t have kids yet. But the ones that make the most significant difference are those who get skills based on human scientific behavior because experiencing addiction is a profound human crisis that heals quickest through healthy, human connections.

If you know someone who’s in need of professional guidance: www.familyaddictionrecovery.net