Exploring the Causes of Unhealthy Anger and Practical Tips for Managing Anger in a Healthy and Respectful Manner

I’ve been angry in an unhealthy way. Too Often.

Photo by Alessandro Bellone on Unsplash

The other day I noticed that a neighbor in the apartment complex again left their car on the charger even though the charging had been completed for hours. We have only two charging stations for 72 units. This person has repeatedly left their car on the charger even after charging had completed. On one occasion, they even removed our charger from our car, which was still charging. In the moment, I became angry. I was carrying a poop bag, so I thought I’m sick of this shit and put the bag on their door handle. Mind you it crossed my mind to wipe the shit on the door handle but thankfully I “reasoned” that the punishment did not fit the “crime”.

Recently, I was in my car where a lot of my anger comes out when a person was tailgating me really close as if to say you’re not driving bad/fast enough for my liking and in their infinite wisdom decided to pass me in a no passing zone on a blind curve. I assessed the situation and decided to swerve left to stop them as they might cause a head on crash and really mess up my day. This enraged them so they made the move again and this time when they got in front of me they put on the brakes. MORE ANGER welled up in me. But what about my side of the street, my actions?

Photo by Joshua Wordel on Unsplash

I mean you understand why I did what I did right? There are so many disrespectful drivers out there and they deserve to know that I know they are such a driver. Wait a minute! But wasn’t I acting disrespectful? Sure one might say that, but in my mind it was justifiable because they we’re not driving the way I wanted them to. Wait a minute! But I cannot control them. I can only control my response to them. Exhausting mental and emotional gymnastics.

These are just several incidents in a career of so many rationalizations and justifications for my anger. So here I am today at a reckoning because it’s causing damage to my relationships and that hurts. I’m sad today. I’m embarrassed. I have shame. Time for chage.

What is it to have a relationship to anger?

Healthy anger is a normal emotion that we all experience from time to time. It can be a useful tool for expressing ourselves and setting boundaries. Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, is anger that is excessive, prolonged, or leads to destructive behavior. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger is crucial in managing our emotions.

Here are some differences between healthy and unhealthy anger:

Healthy anger:

• Is expressed in a way that is respectful of others
• Helps us communicate our needs and feelings
• Helps us set healthy boundaries
• Is short-lived and doesn’t linger

Unhealthy anger:

• Is expressed in a way that is disrespectful of others (e.g. yelling, name-calling, physical aggression)
• Is disproportionate to the situation (e.g. getting extremely angry over a minor inconvenience)
• Leads to destructive behavior (e.g. breaking things, hurting oneself or others)
• Lingers and can lead to resentment and bitterness

Where does my unhealthy anger come from?

Several factors may contribute to unhealthy anger. Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences from time to time, but when it becomes excessive, prolonged, or leads to destructive behavior, it can be a sign of an underlying issue.

Some common causes of unhealthy anger include:

1. Trauma: People who have experienced traumatic events, such as abuse or neglect, may struggle with anger as a way of coping with their emotions.
2. Mental health disorders: Certain mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder, can cause anger as a symptom.
3. Problematic substance use: People who use alcohol and other drugs may be more likely to experience anger as a result of the effects of the substance or as a way of coping with the consequences of their experience of addiction.
4. Personality traits: Some people may have a natural tendency towards anger due to their personality traits, such as impulsivity or low frustration tolerance.
5. Stress and life events: Stressful life events, such as a divorce, job loss, or financial difficulties, can trigger feelings of anger and frustration.

It’s important for me to identify the underlying causes of my unhealthy anger in order to address it effectively. This may involve working with a mental health professional to explore your emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and manage any underlying mental and emotional health conditions.

If you struggle with unhealthy anger like I do, here are some tips for dealing with it:

1. Recognize the signs: Pay attention to your body and your thoughts when you start to feel angry. This can help you identify triggers and patterns in your behavior.
2. Take a time-out: If you feel yourself getting angry, take a break and remove yourself from the situation if possible. Take some deep breaths or go for a walk to calm down.
3. Practice relaxation techniques: Try deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to help you manage your anger and reduce stress.
4. Express yourself assertively: Instead of lashing out, try to express yourself in a calm and assertive way. Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need.
5. Seek help: If your anger is causing problems in your relationships or other areas of your life, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.

Clearly my unhealthy anger is having a detrimental impact on my relationships and overall well-being. Going forward, it’s important for me to recognize the signs of unhealthy anger and to identify the underlying causes in order to effectively manage and address it. I get to practice relaxation techniques, express myself assertively, and seek help from a mental health professional if needed, so I can learn to better manage my anger and improve my relationships. I’m going to strive to cultivate healthy anger and use it as a tool for expressing my needs and setting boundaries, while respecting others and avoiding destructive behavior.

This all reminds me of a meme I saw the other day. It had a silly stick figure drawing of two people conversing. The tall one said, “You’ve changed” and the smaller one replied, “We’re supposed to”.